My passion for breakfast expand to simply two opinions: 1) it’s the best meal come eat at a restaurant. 2) Those who choose their eggs over tool are not to be trusted (just commit!). Beyond that, i don’t yes, really feel much for the most important meal that the day.

You are watching: They don t serve breakfast in hell

So when I to be told to dive deep into the apparently standard CCM tune “Breakfast,” by the Newsboys, my first reaction was confusion. I wasn’t approximately late-’90s Christian culture. What was this? A praise song about breakfast?

After a couple of minutes top top Google, my man gave method to fascination, and also after a couple of seconds v the song, my fascination gave method to utter perplexity. “Breakfast” is like nothing I’ve ever before heard.


“Breakfast” is about—I oath this is true—these men who mourn the death of their friend by honoring what the loved many in this world: breakfast.

The tune combines food puns (“Rise up Fruit Loop lovers, sing out Sweet and Low”) through funeral iconography (“With spoons hosted high, we bid our brother Cheerio”) come strike a nice, healthy, balanced tone that swashbuckling humor and oh-by-the-way-our-friend-is-dead-forever morbidity. Also, there space damnation warnings (“They don’t serve breakfast in hell!”).

“Breakfast” invested 13 weeks—that’s a quarter of a year—on the CCM charts. That peaked at the No. 4 place in January 1997, a time once Toni Braxton, the spice Girls and also Blackstreet (yep) were jockeying around the mainstream warm 100. It would certainly go on to appear on a staggering nine various other albums, including around a half-dozen different Newsboys biggest Hits collections. In other words, the Newsboys to be really, really proud that “Breakfast,” and Christians to be really, yes, really jamming the end to this track 11 year ago.

However, “Breakfast” has not aged well. Despite its color, the song can be pretty tasteless at times (kind of favor Lucky Charms). Let’s look at deeper into the lyrics:

Hold the milk, put earlier the sugar / They room powerless to console,We’re gathered right here to sprinkle ashes / from our so late friend’s grain bowl


“Breakfast” set a scene (table?) that a group of friends collection to scatter the ashes of your dead friend. Those ashes space irreverently save on computer in a cereal bowl, which, it must be said, dead no distinction from other species of bowls. Ashes need to at minimum be stored in a lid-tight container, or else you’re walking to have actually ash everywhere.

Also, do they plan to eat out of the bowl later? it is revolting. Dead-friend residue is going to be almost everywhere that thing. Are you walk to simply rinse that the end in the sink? operation it v a dishwasher? following time friend eat cereal out the that cereal bowl, i will not ~ those ashes shade the milk? that’s the worst sort of cereal-milk you deserve to have, probably.


Breakfast clubbers, to speak the motto / the he taught us to repeat:‘You will lose it in her gym class / If you wait till noon come eat’

Theory: The Newsboys didn’t date a many in high school. Exhibition A: They to be in a breakfast club. Exhibit B: that breakfast society cared a lot about gym class performance. Exhibit C: It no the jocks that care around gym in high school, however rather, the nerds. Because that jocks, gym class is high time because that punking all the low-lifes roughly them; they take it it because that granted. Only nerds care about doing fine in gym, and also only nerds would seek to execute that by eating a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast. Exhibit D: The just reason a nerd would want to do well in gym is to impress the girls in your class, and also since in high school, the least-cool thing you have the right to do is care around anything, the Newsboys’ gym-class initiative did not cause impressing stated girls. Therefore, the Newsboys didn’t day a lot in high school.

Back when the chess club claimed our eggs were soft / Every Monday he’d speak grace and hold ours juice aloft / Oh, none of us knew his check-out time would come so quickly / But prior to his mind stopped waving, he written this tune.

Dark organic death images aside, us now understand this breakfast society was maligned by the chess team. The chess team. I’ll say it again: The Newsboys didn’t date a lot of in high school.

When the toast has burned / and also all the milk has turned / and Captain Crunch is waving taking leave / When the large One finds you / might this tune remind you that / castle don’t serve breakfast in hell


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Ah, the chorus, wherein the Newsboys leverage the strength of breakfast to warn your dead friend the he better come come Jesus, or else he’ll never ever eat his favorite meal again. Amazing evangelizing tactic.

This go beg the question: What walk breakfast in hell watch like, if lock indeed have breakfast? One dominance for our answer is we can’t manipulate the food, so “a yogurt parfait, except the yogurt is Elmer’s glue, the granola is fingernails, and the fruit room bloody eyeballs reduced in half” no count.


No, breakfast in hell is most likely unstirred Greek yogurt, fruit salad that’s just honeydew and also plain spam. The coffee is instant, too. And decaf.

Breakfast clubbers reduce the hankie / despite to some our friend was weird / That day he bought those pine pajamas / His inspect was great with God

I just stop right here to say the “pine pajamas” needs to it is in co-opted into more sinister contexts. Imagine if you owe someone money and also you go up to their desk to ask for a much longer grace period and castle ask, “Hey, perform you own any pine pajamas?” and you say, “No.” and also they say, “That’s too bad. Ok send you a pair.” BOOM: the finest fake Sopranos step of every time. Rather we have actually a Newsboys song. 

Those right here without the Lord, just how do you cope? / because that this morning us don’t mourn favor those who have actually no hope / Oh, climb up Fruit Loop lovers, sing out Sweet and also Low/With spoons held high, us bid our brother Cheerio

Look, i don’t know if this dead friend is real or not (what might possibly inspire this song, anyway?), however for their sake, ns hope lock really are gone indigenous this world, because to it is in honored in this way by her friends is to have no true friends in ~ all. Your breakfast hell can be IHOP in ~ 4 a.m., a restaurant featuring avocado toast, or anything explained as “continental,” but nothing can enhance a descent right into “Breakfast,” the song. This isn’t a tribute, that a travesty, like eating Mini-Spooners rather of Wheaties.

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Tyler Daswick

Tyler Daswick is a an elderly writer in ~ Relevant. Monitor him ~ above Twitter
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