Laura, ns feel choose I’m standing external of my house, holding mine child’s hand, feather in the window. My child and I room on the exterior watching my husband and also his kids enjoying life,” stepmom Melody cried.

You are watching: Being a stepmom and feeling left out

“We live there and also yet i don’t feel like my child and also I belonging on the inside. I’m external the circle of mine husband and also his kids, attempting to defend my child from feeling the same. How deserve to I survive when I feel choose a foreigner in my very own home? 

Melody’s suffer is very common.

Most world assume the adding more bodies to a home will ease the angst of feeling lonely, rubbish and/or empty.

However, in a remarriage stepmoms often experience the “outsider” angst more common than not!

Here space a few common factors why stepmoms often feel left the end in the cold.

1.Outside vs. Inside-

A stepmom regularly steps into a setting that has already been created and established by her husband and also his kids. She is arriving into a home and family that currently possesses a pattern, rhythm, or circulation that lock enjoy. Even if it is it’s a healthy and balanced or high functioning device or not, it’s acquainted to them.

In general, most civilization hate change. Children who have been v the breakup of your parents or home, detest change. And they ultimately have gained into the rhythm of Dad’s house with him together a solitary parent.

To them, when dad add to a new woman to the house, it’s one much more change the stimulates fear, anxiety and loss. Trauma has taught them come resist, fight, and also attempt come destroy virtually anything that endangers their newly developed safety zone.


Typically this has nothing to do with the stepmom or her kids, it’s much more about everyone who intimidates to “rock your world”–AGAIN!

2. Where do I Belong? -a stepmom frequently struggles to determine her role. Is she a mom or not? go she have actually authority end the children or not? Is she claimed to step right into a support role or not? walk she communicate with the mom or not? It’s an extremely confusing. And most of the time the pair didn’t review a stepfamily resource, or find out anything around blending the family prior to the union.

The man over her role in the house sets the phase for feeling favor she doesn’t belong. Every person has a function in the family. For the stepmom she need to sit down v her husband (preferably before the wedding) and discuss this conundrum. What does HE check out as her duty with HIS kids?

When this isn’t addressed appropriately the problem lands right into one of three landmines:

One, Dad doesn’t favor saying no, therefore he dumps every the parenting onto stepmoms lap–big mistake. The youngsters dislike this and it place stepmom, the human being who is joining the family, right into the duty of Enforcer (aka wicked Witch). 


Two, stepmom assumes that since she is an adult in the home, and this is she home, she should immediately have authority over his kids. Another big mistake the frequently alienates her indigenous the family.

Three, the children feel the embracing the stepmom means disloyalty come the mom. They don’t desire to see her as component of the family since it feeling wrong.

All of these selections have large ramifications.

If you battle this, my book, The smart Stepmom has actually several chapters that can help.

3. This is mine Dad and MY House–It’s critical for a stepmom to know that ~ dad’s rest up or divorce it’s typical for a son to get advocated from a kid into the “Friend” “Partner” or “Daddy’s Helper” role.


THIS IS NOT the child’s fault.

It happened normally after the divorce, and typically dad doesn’t even realize that happened. He will certainly deny it happened. Once a stepmom blames the child for this transition in roles, or calls the daughter a “mini wife,” she creates tremendous frustration for herself, she spouse and also the child.

The just solution that works is because that Dad come undo the damage.

He need to take the initiative and also recognize the he has actually sabotaged his second marriage by place the kid in an adult role that will certainly now must be undone. With time he need to slowly and gently place the child earlier into his/her appropriate position of being a kid, not a friend, friend or partner.

If Dad refuses, the bond between child and also stepmom likely wont occur. And also she most likely be viewed as one outsider.

4. The Loneliness is BAD. “I’m the loneliest I’ve ever remained in my life,” Tanya shared. “This is worse than once I to be single! At least then I can make my own decisions and my warm apartment felt prefer home. Ns thought marriage would heal my loneliness and also emptiness, and also yet it’s done the opposite. I just don’t understand.”

This is as soon as stepmom typically breaks. She didn’t realize the a blended family comes with a most sacrifices, and also a large number the hurting world who frequently have large wounds and also needs. And one of them might be her husband. She didn’t produce those wounds and she can’t heal them.

Now the we have actually a far better understanding the the WHY, let’s handle the HOW.

Merely understating the it’s common to feel outside the circle have the right to be a substantial help. It can heal the overwhelming lies clamoring for fist that scream,

“I to be a failure. My husband doesn’t love me. This will never ever heal.”

Smart Stepmom Steps

Step One: Relax- when a mam raises she voice and rants, complains, nags or accuses her husband he typically does one of two things. The guy physically and/or emotionally shuts down and runs away, or he becomes angry and also defensive. When she responds this means and it involves his kids, you can expect that an answer times 10.

Verbally attacking, accusing or belittling him will certainly backfire.

Step Two: Relay-Set up a time to talk as soon as its just the 2 of you. If this requires gaining a sitter and/or going come a restaurant, carry out it. This conversation must be a high priority. If left unaddressed, it has actually the potential to damage your relationship.

Step Three: Resources-Show your spouse this blog or one of the TV clips I have on mine website. It’s often easier for him come hear your this instance from a stranger, or an author who understands stepfamilies. I understand that might come throughout as if your an individual pain isn’t necessary to him. I’m sorry. It’s simply that I’ve found what works in most cases. He isn’t trying come discount her feelings, this is simply what communicates come him.

Step Four: Relate-Explain to her spouse the you hadn’t suspect feeling choose an outsider and also that this ambush that emotions room hurtful and also confusing.

no one is come blame, the children aren’t act anything wrong, the isn’t a poor parent, girlfriend aren’t too many sensitive, it’s just a normal occurrence when a dad remarries.

Step Five: Resolve-Set increase a signal in between the 2 of you that communicates to her spouse once you room feeling excluded. Some couples pick a phrase or a word, others usage a gesture, do everything works because that you. Then comment on some methods your spouse can lug you into the circle. Understand, it will take part time because that this to work. Her spouse should progressively implement this initiative. If all of a sudden he says to his daughter, “OK, I have a wife now and she’s component of our family. Therefore she’s going come sit next to me ~ above the couch from now on, and also you should start sitting in the chair,” all it will execute is produce resentment in everyone. In various other words this action will success the battle but the will lose the war.

This have to be excellent slowly, patiently and over time.

Step Six: get wisdom. Sister Stepmom, even though girlfriend didnt know the whole package, you made decision to get married a man with kids. I understand the angst that those words. The reality is those kids came with countless hurts, wounds, sadness, grief, and anger.

This is true even IF lock were very young as soon as mom and dad split. Many stepmoms falsely think if the children were young they weren’t affected. Wrong. Dead wrong. 

It’s ok to mourn what you didn’t know, however you can’t reside there. The kids need your dad. Not constantly you and their dad–sometimes simply their dad. When they concerned your home, for a time allow them have actually their dad.

If that method you need to have coffee through a girlfriend or take her own youngsters to breakfast so they have some alone time through him–do it. And also if you included an “ours” baby, sometimes take the kid with you. Let the kids have your dad. It will benefit everyone in the lengthy run. If dad doesn’t know that, have actually him call me.

Step Seven: Reach OUT! Stepmoms, hear me. This is why I work-related so hard to create events for stepmoms. I strongly encourage any woman dating, involved or married to a male with kids to attach with various other stepmoms.

Attending a live or Zoom event designed for stepmoms is a wonderful way to find healing and also help. Because that our stepfamily to endure we need each other. This is no a luxury like a pedicure. This was developed to strengthen your family. And I know we THINK society media can do that, but statistics display that it provides us more depressed and lonely–not less.

That’s due to the fact that God produced us for real community with laughter, hugs, tears, encouragement and compassion, no a computer.

The “I understand” and compassionate tenderness the a other stepmom is worth an ext than I have the right to describe. Because of the pandemic my following zoom on this subject of overcoming loneliness and isolation is June 6th And I’m providing 4 free follow up support sessions to the class.


Stepmoms isn’t the time we acquired success? Isn’t it time we stopped focusing on the ex and also the options she’s make that us can’t control? are we prepared to live victorious lives? carry out we understand the strength we have actually when we attach arms and ask for God’s strength and blessings?

Are you looking into the home window of your home, and also feeling favor an outsider due to the fact that the joy has actually been sucked out of your lungs?


It’s to be robbed? would certainly you choose it back? go you recognize God is LONGING and capable to to fill you v contentment, and place girlfriend smack dab back inside the house next to her husband and also family.

This is a complicated situation and way too detailed to offer a “cookie cutter” answers. If this is a large issue in your home, you may need extr help native a third party. I sell life coaching for stepfamily couples.

If your spouse refuses come hear your feelings ~ above this situation, or receive added help and disregards you through comments such as, “Your the adult here, just thrive up,” that indicates a marital problem–not a stepfamily problem.

It’s a partnership problem, which calls for help.

Here is a prayer come start:

Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails.Do no hide your challenge from me or I will be prefer those that go down to the pit.

Let the morning carry me native of her unfailing love, because that I have put my trust in you. Display me the method I have to go, because that to you ns entrust my life.

Rescue me from my enemies, Lord, for ns hide myself in you.

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Teach me to perform your will, because that you room my God;may your an excellent Spirit lead me on level ground.

Psalm 143: 7-10


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Look who is involvement me for the following Zoom class!!

Heather Hetchler, Co-Author of Quiet Moments because that the Stepmom Soul, permanent stepmom, and Founder that